Approach is the Key

I've been practicing for a long time, trying to hone my ability to educate people one-on-one about Islam, and I'm pretty good at it. I rarely get into a "debate" or argument, and in fact, it's usually an enjoyable conversation. I've written down several of my conversations after they happened which you can read here, here, and here.

I've written a lot about how to talk to people about Islam, but I decided to try to think of all the things I take for granted about my approach that I haven't written about, and I ended up making the list below. These are personal rules or states of mind or ways of thinking about these conversations that I think really help them go well:

1. I try to only talk to someone about Islam when nobody else is around. I don't want to get into a public debate. When people talk in front of an audience, they are more likely to try to "win" or look good, and less likely to listen and learn. Being in a public situation tends to encourage people to take sides.

Perhaps more importantly, when someone makes a pronouncement to several people, they find it more difficult to change their mind later than when they make the same pronouncement to only one person.

All in all, you will be more likely to really inform someone one-on-one with no audience.

2. I try not to approach it as a debate at all. I am careful about the way I open a conversation. And careful about the way I speak, so it becomes clear that I know what I'm talking about, and that I know a lot more about the subject than the person I'm talking to, but not in a condescending way. I do not try to "dominate" the conversation except that I try to establish my authority by saying something simple like, "Have you read the Quran? No? Well, when I read it the first time, I was really surprised to find..."

3. I try to keep it interesting for the listener. I want them to find out something they are surprised at and interested in.

4. I don't try to rub their nose in it. I don't try to make them get how scary and horrible it all is. I realize because I've been learning about Islam for a long time, things that no longer shock me shock the hell out of others. I don't need to try to scare them. Even the mildest parts of this topic scare most people.

5. I try to keep it casual. "Hey, did you hear about what happened in France? They banned the burka. Yeah, and it was almost unanimous..." I try to prevent giving the impression I am on a campaign to stop the Islamization of the world. I'm just talking about interesting things I've learned lately. I just try to maintain a feel of easygoing conversation, and sometimes it becomes very engaging.

6. I deliberately stay relaxed, and try to "curb my enthusiasm." And I keep my sense of humor. This topic is intense enough without adding to it by being intense myself. I take deep breaths, I pause when I'm talking and ask them questions, and I don't give them the most shocking things until they are already fairly well-versed in the less shocking things.

7. I do not let it appear as if I want them to change their minds or that there is any kind of conflict between us. I find common ground. I try to speak about things I know they will care about, like the human rights angle or women's rights, or whatever.

8. I think in terms of small bits and long campaigns. Okay, I've written about this one before (here) but it's a good one and I didn't want to leave it off this list. It's important. I don't try to get the whole educational process done all in one conversation. I let it happen in small pieces over many months to give them a chance to absorb it and think about it, and hopefully ask me questions about it later. I plant seeds and expect the dawning realizations to happen over time rather than expecting enlightenment overnight.

I assume there will be many already-existing beliefs they hold that will need to change for them to understand more. Sometimes changing beliefs produces an internal struggle, and forcing more information into a struggling mind can make someone not want to talk to you any more. Plant the seeds and be patient.

9. I sympathize with their resistance and disbelief. I was there once, too, and I know, it's a shocker when it starts to really sink in. I remind myself of how I felt when I first started learning about Islam. It helps me empathize with my listener, and I think that helps the communication process.

10. I try to make it clear to my listener that we are on the same side of this issue. I know a lot more about it, but we are both non-Muslims. We're on the same team. I convey the feeling that we don't have all the answers and we're exploring this topic together. If the person brings up a good point or a counter argument, I will either say "that's interesting" and think about it and then come back later with more information, or I will say something like this: "I used to think the same way. But when I found out..." And lead them further into the topic with more information.

11. I reframe their objections like a salesman. Sales training manuals will often tell you to be glad when someone raises objections, because it means the person is interested. People who are not interested just make excuses and disappear. Someone who is arguing with you is often presenting arguments they think other people might bring up to see if you have a good answer for them — an answer that would satisfy other people. They do this because they are interested in believing you, but want to be sure.

So I don't feel put off by questions or arguments or "objections." I see it as a sign of interest and curiosity, and I try to answer the objection in a way that gives more information (rather than in a way that makes the other person feel wrong or stupid or anything negative). This perspective on objections helps prevent me from interacting in a confrontational way. It helps me avoid turning the conversation into some sort of contest or disagreement.

I also often refer to my own list of answers to objections for help.

12. When I have a difficult conversation and it really bothers me because I didn't have a good response, as soon as I can, I find a quiet place and write out what the other person said. I do it on my computer. Then I separate out each statement the person made and write out the answer I wish I had made at the time. I print it out and read it.

If my "failure" continues to bother me, over the next few days I may occasionally read it over and add to my answers and print up the new version. I look up facts if I am unsure about something. I write it all out until I feel I've made a really good answer.

If you do this, you will be better prepared for the next conversation. I welcome these difficult conversations, because I know I will use them like this. You should welcome the times when you're stumped and you don't know what to say. It can deepen your understanding and make you grow.

13. I try to never use the words "Islam" or "Muslim" by themselves. I always say "heterodox" or "orthodox" before every one. Most people know at least one Muslim person and cannot, out of the goodness of their heart — out of personal loyalty or just plain human empathy — think of that person as having bad intentions, and they know that not all Muslims are devout. So if you give blanket statements about Islam or Muslims, they reject your statements for perfectly sound reasons. Always use the descriptors.

I'm always learning and I hope you are too. If you would be so kind as to share your own insights about how to approach these conversations, we could all benefit from your hard-earned skill. I invite you to add your insights on our new comments page: Talk About Islam Among Non-Muslims, which, by the way, is already turning into a valuable resource, thanks to your welcome participation.

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Casually Talk About News — And Then Make a Good Point

In a comment on Talk About Islam Among Non-Muslims, someone going by the name of "Western Feminista" left the following description of what she does to educate her fellow non-Muslims. This is an intelligent and creative approach:

I have generally had the most success with using articles in the news, and mentioning things casually...one great example was when a Muslim lady was sentenced to six months jail for falsely accusing a policeman of forcibly removing her veil. I agreed that it was terrible that she had been sentenced and explained that "man-made laws" are not recognised by Muslims, so really, she had done nothing wrong in perjuring herself and making a false complaint...the people I was speaking to couldn't believe what I was saying, and it gave me the ideal opportunity to explain Sharia law to them — something that they had no knowledge of before.

The right to wear a burqua has been another situation — citing the above case again, the woman claimed that it was impossible for the policeman to prove it was her as she had only her eyes showing, and so she should not have been in court. Again, I agreed that in fact, we should all be able to wear a balaclava to enter a bank, shopping center, or government office — the government has no right to make me recognizable in any instance. The people I was speaking to suddenly began arguing against my rights to do that, and I was able to speak about other concessions to Islam that have been recently made — again, things that they had not thought "important" were suddenly placed in a context where they became very important.

Hopefully other instances will come up, and I can keep getting the message out there, slowly and gracefully.

I asked Western Feminista if I could publish her comment here, and she said yes. Then she emailed me more intelligent ways to educate our fellow non-Muslims:

Another example I have used is regarding the illegal asylum seekers arriving here, and rioting in our detention centres (yes, I am from Australia). So many people are of the opinion that we should accept them immediately (to stop the rioting) as we have much to spare, and have prided ourselves on accepting immigrants over the years.

I agree, citing the wonderful way that the Italians, Greeks, Vietnamese, etc. have assimilated into Australia, and how they enriched our country...and isn’t it unfortunate about the Global financial crisis at the moment that is making it so difficult for governments to be able to afford to give as much as in the past? Especially as there are so many Muslims that really seem to want to make Australia their new home, and how they may actually become a majority in the future...it’s not an unreasonable assumption, really. I haven’t had anyone dispute it yet.

Then I ask them how much they would be willing to pay per month so all the Muslim asylum seekers could be released immediately into the community. $50? $100? $200? Of course this brings looks of disbelief, or a small token amount is mentioned...I then casually mention that it would be like paying jizya — and am always asked to explain in more detail...no one has ever heard of it, and it scares people to think that it will hit them where it hurts — the wallet.

I suppose you could call it Islamic Education by Stealth (lol).

This is excellent. She has obviously thought about what she was going to say and how she was going to say it ahead of time, and presented her information for maximum impact and surprise. With enough of us doing this kind of thing, we would see a massive change in public opinion about Islam in short order.

If you have an approach you have used successfully, please make it known to others trying to accomplish the same thing by posting it on the Talk About Islam Among Non-Muslims page.

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One Way to Approach a Conversation: Talk About the Movie, "The Kingdom"

I was talking to two men I was working with (who don't know I am involved in the counterjihad movement — I had never worked with them before). I said, "Have you guys seen the movie 'The Kingdom' with Jamie Foxx?"

One of them said, "I've seen part of it." The other guy said he hadn't seen it. 

"It's a really good movie," I said, "other than the ending, which really pissed me off." They looked at me curiously, so I said, "Well, the movie is about a terrorist attack in Saudi Arabia. You know how they have enclosed compounds there for Americans to live in — Americans who work there?" They both nodded. "In the movie, there's a baseball game inside one of these compounds, with lots of people there, enjoying a sunny afternoon with their families, and these terrorists drive up and started shooting into the crowd, and then a suicide bomber dressed as a policeman walks into the panicking crowd and blows himself and everyone else to smithereens. Then when the first responders show up, the terrorists set off a truly enormous explosion, killing even more people."

"Back in the United States," I continued, "Jamie Foxx is an FBI agent, and he's talking to a bunch of his fellow FBI agents, giving them a briefing on what happened. One of their agents was at the scene, was one of the first responders, and died in the blast. When Jamie says this, one of the women agents in the front row of this briefing room starts to cry, but Jamie Foxx walks over to her and whispers something to her, and she stops crying. 

"So the movie goes on, and the FBI agents go to Saudi Arabia, and eventually track down the mastermind behind the bombing and near the end of the movie, the old mastermind gets shot, and he's dying, and his grandson is hugging him and crying, and the old man whispers something and the grandkid stops crying. 

"At the end of the movie, we find out that what Jamie Foxx whispered into the FBI woman's ear and what the old terrorist guy whispers into his grandson's ear. They say the same thing: 'Don't worry, we'll kill them all.' 

"And that's what pissed me off, because when the FBI agent said that, he meant, 'We're going to kill all the bad guys who participated in this brutal slaughter of our good friend,' but when the terrorist mastermind dude said it, he meant, 'We're going to kill them all — all the Americans, all the infidels.' The movie tried to imply that they were the same. And that just irked me." 

One of the men I was talking to, the older one, said, "You know, there's only the tiniest difference between Judaism, Christianity, and Islam," and he said this like it was something we all knew, and this was only the preamble to something else he was going to say, but I interrupted. "There is actually an enormous difference between them. I'm only saying this because I have just finished reading the Koran. And although I know Muslims like to say they're all very similar, they are very different in important ways." 

The other one who hadn't spoken much, a young man, looked curious, like he wanted me to say more, so I said, "Yeah, you would expect the founder of a religion to be a certain way, and Muhammad, the guy who founded Islam, was not at all what you'd expect." 

The older man said, "He was a warlord!" 

"Yeah," I said, and turned to the younger man, "Muhammad ordered the assassinations of people who criticized him, he personally took part and oversaw the beheading of over 600 people in one night. Actually it took a couple days. And he knew a group had hidden treasure, so he tortured a rabbi for information. He had the rabbi tied down and they lit a fire on his chest to get him to talk. I mean, this is just not the kind of thing you'd expect from the founder of a religion. But you have to admit, it explains a lot!" 

They both nodded. "The bad news is that it says in the Koran — their most holy book — it says 91 times that a Muslim should use Muhammad as an example. They're supposed to imitate him." 

This is sobering information, and it came like a wall of reality, hitting them like a big, fast-moving wave, and there was a good reason to change the subject, so I did. I got in a few really strong facts with very little resistance. Hopefully we'll have more conversations, or they will be curious and try to learn more. But whatever happens, they are very likely to never hear that line the same way again — the line that "the three Abrahamic religions" are similar to each other. And they won't be so quick to believe someone who says Islam is a religion of peace. They'll have doubt in their minds about that. And when legislation comes around that encourages cutting off money to Saudi Arabia or stopping Muslim immigration or preventing a mosque from being built at Ground Zero, they will be less likely to dismiss it out of hand. This is the kind of brief conversation happening all over the free world between non-Muslims. 

Slowly but surely, we're informing ourselves. Like the passengers on Flight 93, we're sharing with each other what little pieces of information we can gather, and the reality of our situation is collectively beginning to sink in.

Citizen Warrior is the author of the book, Getting Through: How to Talk to Non-Muslims About the Disturbing Nature of Islam and also writes for Inquiry Into Islam, History is Fascinating, and Foundation for Coexistence.

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How to Stay Relaxed and Feeling Good While Talking About Islam

WHEN I WAS in high school, I remember my friends and I making the observation that when we didn't have girlfriends, girls didn't seem interested in us, but once we had a girlfriend, suddenly interested girls were everywhere we turned. And we knew why: Because we no longer felt we needed a girlfriend. We didn't have that anxious mood about us any more. If girls liked us, that was fine with us. And if they didn't like us, that was fine with us too, now that we had someone who liked us a lot. We were confident, self-assured, and relaxed.

The same principle applies to talking about Islam. If you can find a way to not "need" someone to believe you or agree with you, they are more likely to believe you and agree with you.

So if you find yourself getting somewhat upset during conversations about Islam, I suggest you change the way you think about it so if someone agrees with you, that's fine with you. And if they don't agree with you, that's fine with you too. But I mean really fine with you (rather than trying to convince yourself it's fine, even though you are actually upset). Find a way to think about it so you feel good about it however the conversation goes.

How can you think about it so you have that kind of relaxed confidence? Experiment with different perspectives and see what works for you. For example, I have convinced myself that I am on "the leading edge" and that eventually it will become common knowledge that the doctrines of Islam are not peaceful but intolerant, politically domineering, and violent. Over the last nine years of writing this blog, I have seen good evidence that my assumption is true: More and more non-Muslims are waking up to the truth about Islam.

Since that's the case, any particular individual I'm talking to doesn't really matter in the long run. If they believe me, I have gained one more recruit to our side. If they don't believe me at the moment, they will eventually learn the truth, and they'll remember I'm the one who said it first. I know this is a little silly, but this perspective works for me. It helps me not have any anxiety about whether they are convinced or not. This helps prevent me from getting upset, and makes me more persuasive.

Here's another perspective I have deliberately cultivated: There are already a whole bunch of us who have educated ourselves about Islam. In other words, I already have a girlfriend. Of course, being Citizen Warrior, I am in communication with a lot of people who share my understanding of Islam. But anyone can find plenty of like-minded thinkers by reading the comments on Take the Pledge: Read the Quran, reading the comments on Jihad Watch articles, joining a counterjihad Facebook group, etc. You can easily expose yourself to an almost unlimited number of educated counterjihadists who share your understanding of the situation. And when you do, it will help you feel less alone, isolated, or "needing" anyone's approval on this topic.

And another perspective I cultivate is a trust that if things get worse — if we can't reach enough people fast enough — it will only cause more people to open their minds to the facts about Islam (click here for an example). There was a strong movement in the United States against getting involved in "Europe's war" until the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Then suddenly the majority of Americans completely changed their opinion.

I know what you're thinking: 9/11 didn't suddenly change everyone's opinion. But it did wake up many of us, and we're waking up the rest. And each "mistake" orthodox Muslims make causes more of us to awaken, so even if I completely fail to convince anyone in a one-on-one conversation, I have planted the seeds of understanding, and as events unfold, they will come to see the truth, so I don't need to convince them now.

These perspectives help me stay relaxed in conversations, and make me more persuasive. I'm sure they are but a few of the many possible perspectives that might help. Experiment with yourself and find what works for you. And if you would be so kind, please share with us what works here: Talk About Islam Among Non-Muslims.

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How to Approach a Conversation About Islam

Telling non-Muslims the disturbing truth about Islam is difficult for many reasons. People often have a strong emotional reaction at the mere mention of the subject. But not always.

If you talk to people about Islam, you will get a variety of responses from people. You might have a willing listener who learns from you, or one who listens skeptically, or one who outright rejects everything you say or who won't let you even finish and brands you an Islamophobic racist.
Their response to you depends, in part, on the way you approach the conversation. Not entirely, of course, but your approach can sometimes overcome an already-existing predisposition to respond to any mention of Islam with hostility.

Over the next while, I will occasionally publish articles on different ways to successfully approach conversations about Islam, and I will add a link to those articles here on this page, and I'll keep a link to this page in the sidebar.

I have already published several articles about different ways to approach conversations about Islam, so that will get the list started. I suggest you read some of these articles, especially before a social event when you know the topic is likely to come up, or where you would like to bring it up. Use these articles as a kind of "pre-game coaching."

We can each do our part to increase the number of people who are no longer innocent about Islam by talking to the people we personally know and who already trust us and respect us. For many of them, you are the only one who has a chance of getting through to them. Let's make those opportunities count.
Here is the beginning of the master list of approaches:

1. Talk about Mohammad.

2. Push them to read the Quran.

3. Think in terms of small bits and long campaigns.

4. How to stay calm when talking about Islam.

5. Approach is the key.

6. Let's Help Each Other Talk to Non-Muslims About the Disturbing Nature of Islam.

7. What to Do About Those Who Oppose Your Educational Efforts.

8. Casually Talk About News — And Then Make a Good Point.

9. How to Stay Relaxed and Feeling Good While Talking About Islam.

10. Reveal the disturbing truth a little at a time.

11. One Way to Approach a Conversation: Talk About the Movie, "The Kingdom."

I'd like to invite you to join in an ongoing conversation among us non-Muslims about the challenges of talking to other non-Muslims about Islam. Click here to read what others have written or to post a message yourself.

Citizen Warrior is the author of the book, Getting Through: How to Talk to Non-Muslims About the Disturbing Nature of Islam and also writes for Inquiry Into Islam, History is Fascinating, and Foundation for Coexistence. Subscribe to Citizen Warrior updates here. You can send an email to CW here.

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